Bipolar: The two-faced monster that took over my life

A chat with Sheldon Angayiah is punctuated with hearty jokes, which he cracks almost effortlessly.

The 28-year-old comedian radiates youthful vitality and cheerfulness never departs his countenance. Nothing about him suggests any health condition, much less a mental health issue.

For 10 years, though, Sheldon has gone through the wringer with a severe bipolar disorder, with every episode of the condition leaving his social and professional life torn asunder.

The condition first struck in 2009, shortly before he joined Masinde Muliro University of Science and Technology to study mass communication.

“For four years, I experienced serious mood fluctuations. I would be hyperactive at one time only to turn melancholic the next moment. I became highly irritable and lost my appetite. Each episode lasted a few days before I regained my emotional stability,” he tells the Saturday Nation.

GENEROSITY

Even as he went through this emotional rollercoaster, neither he nor his parents knew that his might be a medical (mental) condition.

Upset by his occasional mood swings, his parents even accused him of using drugs, and nearly isolated him.

He went through his first major relapse in 2013, one week after he had begun his academic attachment. This would mark his moment of truth.

“I could barely contain myself and would blabber for long, mostly about immaterial things. I was not violent, but I was very restless, making it hard for my colleagues to work,” he recounts.

Sheldon’s condition expressed itself in irrational generosity, and at one time he gave out his smartphone to a street beggar.

A few days later, he donated all his clothes to a children’s facility.

“At the marketing department where I was working, I was very erratic. I would irregularly give out company merchandise to people, without consulting my supervisors,” he says, adding that whenever he was confronted, he lost his temper and retreated.

DIAGNOSIS

His deteriorating condition prompted his father, also an employee of the company, to seek medical attention for him.

“For the first time, I met someone who was willing to listen to me without antagonising me. The psychiatrist was patient with me and allowed me to express myself freely. It is then that she diagnosed me with bipolar disorder,” he says.

Sheldon was put on medication and under scrutiny, with regular assessments with the doctor.

He would enjoy an improved emotional state before crashing again a few months later.

“As time went by, getting sleep became harder and I started to gain weight. Expressing anger, joy and other emotions also became difficult for me. I would bottle up emotions before imploding,” he says.

RELATIONS

While he may not have experienced stigma, Sheldon admits that the condition cost him important relationships, among them three girlfriends in a space of four years.

“I lost several close friends too mostly because of my erratic behaviour. Bipolar attacks are fitful and a nightmare when they occur. Maintaining long-term relationships became harder for me as fewer and fewer people could tolerate my overreactions,” he regrets.

As an escape from this emotional whirlwind, Sheldon became addicted to pornography, started to engage in illegitimate sexual behaviour and taking irrational risks. Thereafter, he would slide back to depression and rue.

“I was never bothered by the consequences of my actions. I once jumped from the balcony of an upper floor to one on a lower floor of a mental facility. It was not a suicidal act but an overflow of confidence,” he says.

DISMISSAL

Every time he worked at an organisation, Sheldon would be under the illusion that he had solutions to all the problems at the workplace, often putting him at cross-purposes with his colleagues and supervisors.

“I would try to outperform myself in everything I did. One time I demanded three times the amount of stipend that I was entitled to as an intern at a certain car manufacturer. My boss was angry and he immediately terminated my contract. This dismissal devastated me,” he says.

In a different instance, Sheldon had drifted off the script during a stage performance owing to his overconfidence.

Angered, the audience booed him. “I was wounded emotionally and stormed out of the stage in fury. It took me one week to recover,” he recounts.

SIDE EFFECTS

His condition exhibits symptoms of both mania and depressive moments, shifting from one to the other extreme end of mental state, and leaving him broken.

His lowest moment came in 2014 when, in a fit of rage after clashing with a group of sex workers in Nairobi, he stripped and was arrested for public disturbance and put in police custody.

He says the drugs used to manage bipolar are very strong, and often leave the patient in a state of dullness and suppression.

Besides the side effects, the high cost of the medication left his family cash-strapped.

“Each of the three types of medication ranges from Sh2,400 to Sh3,000. That I would be on these drugs throughout my life tormented me, only I did not have a choice but to keep taking them,” he says.

HEALING

In 2016 though, circumstances forced him to stop taking his medication, an abrupt and dicey move that put him at risk of falling back to the pit.

He goes on: “While I was a student, I was covered under my father’s health insurance. The cover expired upon my graduation. I did not want to burden my parents who were struggling to fend for my younger siblings.”

After quitting his medication and psychotherapy, Sheldon embarked on what he terms ‘spiritual therapy’ and meditation, which are facilitated by Chiromo Lane Medical Centre, both of which he says have worked for him.

“The facility is promoting a different method of healing that is spiritual in nature. Our support group meets on Wednesday evening where we read the scriptures together and talk about our condition and perform personality tests. Company is very important as it helps to keep you from sliding into depression,” he explains.

“The last time I had a major relapse was in 2017. From that time, I have been feeling better by the day. I have not seen a psychiatrist during this period,” he says with evident relief.

EVENTS ORGANISER

Fits still occur, but they are fewer, less severe and the episodes are shorter than before, he says.

For two years now, in a slow but steady process, Sheldon has been on a recovery journey. However, he says he cannot work in a formal environment lest his condition gets in the way of his job.

Be that as it may, Sheldon has reconciled with his circumstances, and now dedicates his efforts to building his brand called “Naitwa Sheldon” that specialises in hosting events.

“I am invited to emcee weddings, book and product launches and entertainment events. From these gigs, I earn enough money to comfortably cater for myself,” he tells Saturday Nation.

SUPPORT GROUP

Fear of rejection and social exclusion, he says, keeps people with bipolar disorder from coming out to talk about their condition, and argues this is why support groups for such people are uncommon.

In Kenya, Users and Survivors of Psychiatry (USP) is the main organisation that offers support to people who have been diagnosed with psychiatric issues.

USP was established in 2007 and is mainly concerned with advocacy and creating awareness to address stigma and discrimination targeted at persons with psychosocial disabilities and to promote their inclusion at various levels of social life.

The organisation also provides psychosocial peer support. It has two chapters in Nyeri and Kiambu counties, while Nairobi and Nakuru counties have one chapter each.

“I have learned that bipolar disorder is not a disease. Neither is it a personality as people tend to imagine. It is just a condition. One that you can live with if well-managed. I have accepted my condition,” he says.