Polygamy is a hotbed of marital discord and conflict in society

On Tuesday, Nation reader Hussein Hafidh of Mombasa made a pitch for polygamy, which he described as “an acknowledged union between a man and women”.

So far, there has been hardly any response to Mr Hafidh, who was commenting on the move by MPs — actually male Members of Parliament— “to amend the Marriage Bill to remove what they see as a final barrier to polygamy”.

In pressing his point, Mr Hafidh, who said polygamy “is widespread and sanctioned in Islam” used a religious justification to support a sexist argument with patriarchal foundations: “An ailing wife cannot make a good companion, however worthy of compassion. It would be better to marry another woman who may fulfil the functions of a wife,” he said. (LETTER: Society should have no quarrel with polygamy)

Like most Kenyan men—and most of their counterparts worldwide who subscribe to the patriarchal and masculine ideology—Mr Hafidh was bound to defend a marriage system, which for all practical purposes is anachronistic and against the best interests of the family.

At a time when the defence for human rights has become the mantra of social discourse, it becomes difficult to defend a system that privileges one gender over the other.

It is clear from Mr Hafidh’s letter that fulfilling the functions of a wife only applies where the man’s needs are concerned. Otherwise, what happens when it is the man ailing? Would she be allowed to bring home another husband to fulfil the functions of the man, to paraphrase Mr Hafidh.

At an AWC-coordinated media breakfast a while ago called to discuss the Marriage Bill that Mr Hafidh is referring to, family lawyer Judy Thongori spoke passionately about the family as the basic foundation of social values without which whole countries and even the global community collapses.

With the 2007/2008 post-election violence as her take-off point, Ms Thongori wondered if the youths who were murdering “members of other communities” had been socialised in basic human values that are further grounded in the biblical dictum: “Love your neighbour as yourself.”

NOT THE WAY TO GO

Although she steered clear of demonising polygamy, insisting that the Marriage Bill recognised all existing forms of marriage and that the Bill only sought to codify them into one Act of Parliament, it was clear from her keynote presentation — and from the participants’ interventions — that polygamy is not the way to go in the 21st century.

Family conflicts lead to marital dysfunction, and nowhere is this more pronounced than in polygamous families where wives are competing for the man’s attention. And, as one journalist aptly observed, in polygamy, wives contribute a hundred per cent to the union, while their husband’s contribute in proportion to the wives’ number.

This is why even in Islam, which allows polygamy, men are required to examine themselves and be satisfied that they will meet their wives’ needs equally— and this is not just about sexual satisfaction. This is an expectation that is grounded in Islam’s Holy Book, the Quran, which polygamous men tend to observe more in breach and in observance.

In their endeavour to catch their husband’s attention, many women in polygamous unions neglect the formation of their children, resulting in the social conflicts that are evident in our society. This is not to say that monogamous unions do not have conflicts.

One of the virtues of the Marriage Bill is that it forbids mistreatment of step-children, who were not even recognised under the existing, archaic marriage laws, that go back to the early 1900s.

Convinced that the global community is “actually resting on the shoulders of the family”, Ms Thongori wondered why we were having so many criminals in the country.

In connecting family conflicts to social dysfunction, Ms Thongori noted that where “families are so concerned about family conflicts, they forget about their primary responsibility, which is to teach their children values, and so you end up with children who have lost it all, because their families were undergoing conflicts.”

Rather than seeking to have a Marriage Bill that gives free rein to polygamy, shouldn’t our lawmakers be looking at the Bill as an avenue for conflict resolution in a society that is becoming increasingly violent, going by the media reports we see every day?

As a parting shot, Ms Thongori said: “Families will fight, but what are we doing to make sure that families do not spend the rest of their lives in court fighting over these issues so that they have time to take care of their children?”

Twitter: @DorothyKweyu [email protected]