Spare your man the torture of a smelly weave

Any self-respecting woman will not put a weave on her beautiful head, something that I will from now henceforth refer to as ‘that thing on your head’.

Hopefully after reading this piece, you will reach out for a pair of scissors and do your man and the rest of the world a favour by removing that piece of junk from your head.

I don’t care how expensive it is. I once interviewed a salonist in Westlands who told me that the most expensive weave she sells retails at Sh500,000.

But get the point, it doesn’t matter if you bought yours in River Road for Sh350 or Westlands at Sh500,000. A weave is a weave is a weave.

It is a dirty and unhygienic piece of rubbish that hosts animals like bed bugs and lice. It doesn’t matter if the weave is Brazilian, Peruvian or Indian. Fake hair is fake hair. And it tells a lot about your fake personality and that you have self-esteem issues.

I can look at your weave and deduce a lot about you. Baby issues. Relationship problems. In short, a one big mess. To think that your sophistication is calibrated by the inches of your weave is fooling yourself.

ESTEEM BOOST

No amount of Peruvian or Brazilian hair will boost your self-esteem. Just because you spent Sh500,000 on a weave does not make you tasteful. It makes you cut-rate.

It shows that your self-esteem is pegged on those smelly strands of hair sold by poor Indian women or cut from dead people in Asia.

A weave cheapens you. It devalues you. It makes you look like you are trying so hard to be somebody you are not. Actually, the longer your weave, the more issues you got. The truth is, you look nothing like Beyonce or Rihanna. You look nothing like your idol Jennifer Lopez or Eva Longoria.

Most women who wear weaves do so because they cannot stand the look of themselves, their true self in their natural hair, because they have destroyed their hair with chemicals and poor care. They have receding hairlines and when stripped off that weave, they look 10 years older. Just ask the men they go home to. It’s terrible!

Now, let’s talk about weaves and hygiene. If my knowledge serves me right, how many times a month is the expensive Westlands weave washed and treated? Let’s assume twice a month. Then it is dried, tonged and styled. Mark you, it is the weave that is washed, not the hair.

On the other hand, the River Road weaves are not washed in many cases, unless the rain corners you. Now, here is where the problem lies. That thing on your head lasts for months? Let’s say two months at the bare minimum.

Yet, you sweat and walk around in dusty and smoky streets. Now, imagine the stench from sweat, combined with smoke and dust and topped up with that mouldy smell it gets after it has been rained on but didn’t dry properly.

Add to that the low-cost hairsprays and lotions you apply on that weave and finish it off with the occasional splash of soapy water when you are showering. Now multiply that with 60 days. A sheep that has been rained on would smell better.

When you pass by they say, “Ndio huyo” without even looking up from their desks because you are known by your stench. You are known by that strange whiff emanating from that thing on your head, not your beauty, not your magnificent body.

PROUDLY NATURAL

Then, you will not stop patting that thing with your palm regularly because it is sort of a zoo for small animals like lice.

I pity men who sleep next to such women. The torture they endure is worse than staying in  Industrial Area Prison for six months. Ladies, even if your man is bad, he does not deserve the torture of a smelly weave.

No wonder some men do not get into bed until way past 1am, and they are up by 6am.

A real woman worth her dignity will not fall victim of this pyramid scheme that is weaves. No matter how tempting it is. A real woman will wear her natural hair, proudly so.

A real woman will flaunt her forehead, like I do mine, and not hide it under that fake smelly thing. A real woman will take stock of her hair, realise what she is doing wrong with it and correct it before it is too late.

Forget Beyonce and her extensions. That is showbiz my dear. Her weave is no real than her marriage. In the same way you will never ever land a Jay-Z, you will never look like Beyonce in that weave.

Sorry girls, but that is the truth. That weave is for that kind of life. You are not a Hollywood star and you will never be. Plus, see how Lupita is rocking her natural hair and Hollywood loves it. That’s because she is real with herself, that is, she has accepted the shape of her head and flaunts it.

I am particularly impressed by a certain TV presenter who wears her hair natural and I think she is the ultimate role model for women who have pent-up issues and are hiding them in those stinky weaves.

Furthermore, I know for a fact that men don’t like weaves. That one who told you it looks good simply said it for the sake of peace in the house.

Otherwise he wishes you’d respect yourself a little. I also know for a fact that men love natural hair. They love playing with hair and they love running their fingers through it.

Don’t blame them; a man will only love what he doesn’t have.

GET CREATIVE

Nothing turns off a man more that running his fingers through your head only for him to be caught up in a web of threads and fake hair. Add to that the fact that your hair smells like his shoe.

Let’s woman up, ladies. Let’s respect ourselves. Yes, we have kinky hair that cannot be pulled into a pony tail. Yes, our hairlines have gone to be with the Lord. But there are many options, forget that thing on your head. 

You can rock a natural afro today, braid it tomorrow for two weeks, or relax it. Just get creative with your hair and stop falling for those scams called weaves.  Young girls, the simpler your hair is, the more exotic you look.

And by the way, I see 18-year-old wearing weaves. For the sake of the womenfolk, why do that at such a tender age?

A little secret ladies. No matter what a woman wears, the only thing that will turn a man on is how you wear it. With confidence. Add that with your au naturale look and your man will never text Sheila again!

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FEEDBACK

It is always a great pleasure to wake up to torrents of e-mails, tweets and comments regarding this page. Last week’s golden rules for losing weight, a sarcastic piece, was received with mixed reactions. Some were tickled, others were pissed off and others remained clueless. Below is your  feedback.

I don’t agree with your so called solutions to weight loss. Reading between the lines, it’s riddled with what I would call “hitting back at your detractors”.

Sample this; “She is inexperienced, what does she know! Run down the messenger”.

It could have been better if indeed you researched on real time solutions and not what you wrote and ironically gave the title “golden! “Really!

Musa Moss

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Immoral. Whereas your employer describes your rather sad personality as bold, sassy and audacious, you’re simply immoral.

Waswa Simiyu

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Dodging responsibility is what I feel as the most potent tool applied by Kenyans in weight matters.

Procrastinating is another - when I have the time, the money, and the morale. When it doesn’t work, they jump into conclusions and stretch their luck.

We have a time bomb in our hands as a nation and we need to take responsibility. Great work and keep it up.

Ashton Zai

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I write this with all the honesty I owe you.

I only turn to your ‘City Girl’ column after devouring everything else in the Saturday Nation including obituaries of complete strangers. Reason, you’re fond of telling me nothing new and if it is any new, then it’s unfit for human application.

God forbid that my nowhere-yet-wife happens to be your student. Anyway, every creature has its role on this lonely planet. Perhaps yours is to amuse the fools and infuriate the wise.

But, two pluses for you. One, the satire in your July 26 article conjured a rare grin on my face. Two, you always succeed in pulling me to your column and in so doing, weekly leaving me hating you.

Muturi Nduati

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The reason why Njoki Chege has provoked some virulent haters like Raymond Munyoki (July 19) is because we are a nation of hypocrites who are very averse to truth and reality.

The so-called upper middle-class are the worst-hit. They troop to church without fail every Sunday, and after church they proceed to break seven of the Ten Commandments within the next six days.

This hypocrisy makes many culprits shell-shocked and scared that Njoki Chege might expose them for what they truly are: shameless liars, pretenders, con artists, swindlers, thieves, serial adulterers and even murderers.

And because many of them are intellectual midgets, they feel thoroughly threatened by Njoki’s high-calibre intelligence, cutting wit and sharp sense of humour.

They are morbidly interested in knowing her age, as if it matters. I would personally read her articles whether she was 16 or 60. What matters is the content, not the writer’s age Take ‘em on, Njoki!

Rumba Kinuthia (Lawyer)

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Dear Chege.

I missed your bite in today’s writing. The article was way too defensive. You were hitting back at the attacks that have been levelled at you recently.

That you were the subject of opinions from the pulpit to the bedrooms shows just how far literature standards and our understanding have fallen as a nation.

Nancy Ngigi

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Hi, please don’t tone down your pen.

Curve your niche and protect it.

Funny enough in my circles we talk about your hot topics and majority agree with you. Keep society on its toes; snap it out of a pretentious mode,”

Kanyi Gioko

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Hey, I enjoy your articles just wanted to know how can I buy u chai (tea)”

E. Odhiambo

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@DannMwangi : @njokichege Sarcasm laced it with word play is #winning in art circles!

@SDMaundu: @njokichege has a knack for kicking a fat gal when she’s down. Those five weight loss ideas are just absolutely wicked. Yesu Kristo, what next?

@kang_ara: @njokichege Some call it sarcasm, I call it embodiment of sarcasm. Great pearl of wisdom to ‘em-all-fat!

@NginaOkeyo: @njokichege  hehe. Pepeta moto tu

@DruThuku: @njokichege responds to critics in a harder hitting article, the sarcasm!!

@miss_ndungu: You got to love @njokichege’s sarcasm in today’s column.Lol!!