Once upon a time, I dated a man who loved to play golf.
Occasionally, I’d sneak out of the office on Wednesday afternoons and accompany him to the club for a round of golf.
It was a pastime I thoroughly enjoyed, I have to admit. He used to say he preferred to play golf on weekdays rather than weekends when every Instagramming social climber crowded the golf course.
Also, a good number of CEOs and MDs play golf on weekdays and he, like me, enjoyed the company of the high and mighty.
Judging from his handicap seven, he was quite the champion as he won a couple of local competitions.
But I am not here to talk about whom I have dated; I mean, it is my business, right?
Now, I may not be the go-to girl when it comes to holes and tees (I am talking about golf, people) but this doesn’t mean that I didn’t pick a few etiquette tips while on the golf course. So, listen up, ladies.
Let’s say your high-society boyfriend (or ‘sponsor’) has invited you to a golf tournament, for example the Barclays Kenya Open that’s happening this weekend.
And, honest to God, you have never set foot on a golf course and you have no idea how to behave. Worry not, I got you.
1. Dress the part: Golf is a gentleman’s game; so, be the lady. Ditch the skimpy outfits and towering heels and go for something more casual and respectable.
Avoid those sheath-like dresses that outline your bulging potbelly and go for something more demure.
You are not trying to be sexy or trashy; you want to look elegant and comfortable. Remember, you will be meeting some of his boardroom friends, and he wants to make an impression. Don’t let him down.
If I told you what dress to wear and how to wear it, the fashion bloggers would go hungry.
So, I’ll drive some traffic their way and advise you look up the numerous fashion blogs. Maybe one of those girls was clever enough to blog something about ‘my golf outfit”.
2. Don’t Instagram your silliness: This is not Masaku Sevens or some primitive rugby function teeming with feral drunks. This is golf, ladies. Golf commands clout and class.
So, please, do not take photos for Instagram or Twitter. Nothing screams ‘I don’t belong here!’ louder than a person taking photos and snapchat videos every five minutes.
The men you see with golfing profile pictures on their WhatsApp, Twitter and Instagram are not really proper golfers.
They are one-timers who accompanied a friend of a friend to a tournament and got excited at a life they are not used to.
Another reason not to take photos is because of privacy. Just because you have spotted that pretty-face brownie bank CEO doesn’t warrant you to take photos.
I mean, if golfers wanted to appear in your Instagram pictures, they would play rugby, not golf.
3. Keep calm: So you bumped into a couple of ‘celebs’ - so what? Don’t giggle and fret all over the place like a Kenyan TV presenter on a sponsored trip out of the country.
Act nonchalantly when that CEO you see on Business Daily walks past you. You are in the presence of greatness; you are not used to it. We get it.
If you want to do a Kemboi dance, do it in your heart, where we can’t see you. Don’t walk up to the celebrities asking for selfies.
Don’t try to chat them up with useless small talk. Don’t try to be friendly to them or try and endear yourself to them.
Don’t. They have paid good money to be there. If they wanted to be bothered by low lives, they’d have signed up for a Gor Mahia match.
4. No phones please: So you have accompanied your man to the golf course and everyone is busy playing golf in between networking.
Do not - I repeat, do not - take your phone to the golf course. You hear me? If you have to, keep it on ‘silent’.
We don’t want to hear your iPhone chiming in the middle of a game. If you must make a phone call, take your time and walk away.
If we wanted to listen to your shrilly fake accent, we would have tuned in to one of the capital radio stations we have around.
5. Do your homework: Before you leave the house, before you comb your weave into submission, before you get into that Uber cab that will drop you at the venue of the golf tournament, please do your homework.
Know the basics of golf. Google is your best buddy. Find out what a tee box is. Know your way around the golf course and, please, for Pete’s sake, have fun.
If you can’t play some golf, at least have some fun.