It’s a crazy world out there: The stories of ‘telephone farmers’

Last week, we wrote about the things one can learn about how devolution money is changing local economies in Kenya, as gleaned from a recent visit upcountry.

However, the most interesting insights (in a comical way) was what it takes to be a “telephone farmer” — the men and women who live in the city but do some agriculture back home, keeping track of business through phone calls to their farm workers.

We heard the same stories we’ve encountered in other parts of Africa.

It’s not a business for the faint of heart. We were told of a Kenyan woman who was determined to make a success of raising chickens. She bought many birds and did all the right things.

BIRDS MISSING

However, every time she returned to the village after a few weeks to check on her chickens, a couple of dozen birds would be missing. She would be told that they had died. She suspected strongly that the workers were stealing her birds; so, she said they must keep the dead chickens. She bought a freezer, so that the dead chickens could be kept on ice. Smart move?

Well, the next time she went back upcountry to check on her chickens, for sure a few more had died. However, there were no bodies in the freezer.

Infuriated, she asked why the proof of the chickens’ death hadn’t been preserved. She was told it was because there had been a power outage for weeks! You can’t win.

A farmer we visited now stays on site most of the time and he has found some joy. He keeps himself motivated with a rich sense of humour.

HEALTHY DUCKS

We inquired from him about what looked like very healthy ducks. The farmer joked that the ducks were “gay”. We were puzzled.

He explained that the local thieves and wild animals, at least according to what the farm workers used to tell him, stole or ate only the female ducks, leaving him with the male ones.

One senses that there is a kind of class struggle between the upcountry folks who are employed on farms and the richer telephone farmers in the city.

Rural farm workers, to justify the mysterious disappearance of harvest, chickens, goats and cattle, have developed a whole body of stories and excuses.

MORE CREATIVE

In addition to the previous two, these seven were among the most creative we encountered:

Many city folks, upon returning to the countryside, have apparently been told that the breed of chicken they bought was barren, and so didn’t lay eggs.

But also, workers have been known to claim that there are chickens that are not “motherly”. After laying eggs, they do not sit on them through to the hatching, so the eggs get spoilt.

The weather has also been used to explain away the low fertility of chicken. Farm owners have been told that their chicken weren’t laying eggs because it was too cold.

Farmers who raise turkeys hear even stranger stories.

Apparently, some have been told that, during mating, the male turkey overwhelmed the new young female to death.

CHEATING WORKERS

Turkeys also have a strange way of bringing out the considerate side of farm workers.

The farmer will visit and be told that some turkeys died. However, there would be exactly the same number as he left three weeks back.

Yes, she would be told, they replaced the dead turkey at their own expense as they knew she would hit the roof if she had been informed of the loss.

The only problem is that the cost of the turkey would be equivalent to the worker’s monthly salary. The virus is a great ally of cheating workers.

The owner leaves the farm with every indication that a bumper harvest is on the cards. He returns a few weeks later but the store is half-empty and the maize crop has been stripped.

The maize harvest was not as good due to a recent sudden infection by a virus, he will be told.

LOVESICK COWS

 And then there is the rain. A promising harvest of beans vanishes. The distraught telephone farmer, inquiring about what happened, is told that the rains were unusually heavy, so the beans were lost to excessive flooding.

Meanwhile, the home rainwater tanks are not full. This is my favourite. A city farmer was puzzled why his big healthy dairy cows were producing very little milk. He was told they were lovesick.

Apparently, the cows missed him so much when he was away from the farm that they were always sad, and thus produced little milk! Who would have guessed?

Mr Onyango-Obbo is the publisher of Africapedia.com and explainer Roguechiefs.com. Twitter: @cobbo3