Now, we talking billions upon billions of shillings but my wallet never has anything approaching those figures.
I will levy tax upon on all the essentials required by those fools who entrusted me with responsibility over them.
Extension of the new railway line from Nairobi to the Uganda border is now a certainty, as is a brand new Mombasa-Nairobi highway.
Times are hard for all of us. There are so many things we want to do for ourselves, our families, our communities, even our nation, but the pay packet doesn’t allow it.
However, let us be grateful for the magic formula developed by the geniuses at the National Treasury, who surely will be up for the Nobel Prize in Economics.
It's disarmingly simple. I'd like to get rid of the wheezing arthritic jalopy and get myself something more befitting my status, a luxury speedster that will be the envy of neighbours, and catch the attention of all the PYTs?
Easy. First, I put the Lamborghini Huracan Testosterone Evo in my budget — no matter that it costs 20 times my annual salary.
My wish list also includes a giant dam to ensure water all year round on my dusty little patch; an executive helicopter, so that I can traipse around the country untroubled by the lunar surfaces we call roads and unmolested by those pesky, lazy countrymen always expecting handouts.
Of course, I could also do with my own private island somewhere off Lamu, a luxury yacht on Lake Victoria and my own power plant to liberate me from the Kenya Power blackouts. And, not forgetting a highway in the sky leading direct to my rural home.
Now, we talking billions upon billions of shillings but my wallet never has anything approaching those figures. No worry. I will borrow.
There's a shylock round the corner ever ready and willing to fund my wildest flights of fancy, even when it’s clear that I'm borrowing way beyond my ability to repay.
The family could be in hock 10 generations down the line but no problem. My great, great, great-grandchildren will cross that bridge when they get to it.
Next, I have to navigate my way past the fact that borrowing will not build all my pies in the sky. The What Me Worry School of Economics comes to the rescue once again.
I will levy tax upon on all the essentials required by those fools who entrusted me with responsibility over them. If they want me to bring them development, they must be prepared to pay for it.
They must pay crippling taxes on fuel, food, utilities and everything else that is necessary for daily life and sustenance.
Where borrowing and usurious taxes are unable to bridge the budget deficit, I still have a trump card in the brilliant economic solution provided by the likes of Field Marshall Al Hajj Dr Prof Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO CBE, VD etc: I will print my own money!
After all, what are banknotes but simple pieces of paper?
If the likes of Thomas De La Rue and The Royal Mint will not humour me, they can take their snooty noses back to London, for I will easily find some Patel or Karanja down River Road willing to take the job.
With my very own money, I will never again have to worry about balancing the budgets.
In the best tradition of President Uhuru Kenyatta’s Jubilee government and those bright sparks at the National Treasury led by certain ‘Nobel laureate’ Henry Rotich, my problem will not be money, but how to spend it.
These are the fellows who discovered that you don’t budget according to available funds but according to your wish list. They tossed out of the window the old restrictive adage about cutting the coat to fit the cloth and designed an entirely new solution based on new expandable fabric.
With that brilliant piece of economic engineering, we have all forever been freed from the restrictive shackles of old-school orthodoxy and given freedom reach beyond the sky in pursuit of all wants, needs and desires.
This is the kind of daring and radical thinking that should guarantee Jubilee eternal rule in Kenya.
Jubilee lucre has already neutered the opposition; so, the dynamic duo in the President and his deputy, William Ruto, now have free rein to put more of their brilliant prescriptions into practice. We will have Wembley-class stadia in every little village. Free computers for all schoolchildren. Free medical insurance for everyone in the country. Cash handouts for all senior citizens.
Extension of the new railway line from Nairobi to the Uganda border is now a certainty, as is a brand new Mombasa-Nairobi highway, and the Lamu Port, and new corridor of rail, road and oil pipeline Uganda, Ethiopia and South Sudan.
And happy with our glorious achievements, we can take all the time we need to frolic in Dubai, Abu Dhabi and all the other playgrounds of the rich and famous.
All hail UhuRuto. All hail Rotich. All hail Jubilee. Tano Terror Tena!
firstname.lastname@example.org Twitter: @MachariaGaitho