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Mariga’s new study on health benefits of having voter’s card

Saturday September 21 2019

McDonald Mariga

Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission officials clear McDonald Mariga (left), the Jubilee Party candidate, on September 16, 2019 to contest the Kibra parliamentary seat. Mariga convincingly demonstrates that having a voter’s card attracts good omen wherever you go. PHOTO | FILE | NATION MEDIA GROUP 

GABRIEL OGUDA
By GABRIEL OGUDA
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For a long time, doctors have made us believe that laughter is the best medicine and number one stress reliever.

This week, football star McDonald Mariga shattered that myth when he proved that nothing gives you peace of mind as having a voter’s card.

In his groundbreaking scientific project that lasted exactly eight days, Mariga was able to convincingly demonstrate the health benefits that come with being a registered voter in Kenya.

The vetting panel at the Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission found his study convincing as to clear him for graduation.

The following are the major talking points in the popular version.

Having a voter’s card spares you the humiliation of chewing a mental block each time a microphone is placed under your nose.

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PEACE OF MIND

Kenyans holding this important card tend to adjust their neck upwards more whenever they come into contact with members of the press.

And each time a journalist asks them a question that requires thinking, they will first clear their voices with the confidence of a bullfrog.

A voter’s card will help you get rid of political rejects seeking to latch on to your temporary misery for permanent relevance.

It denies them a chance to drag your honourable name into every personal squabble they have with their political enemies.

With a voter’s card, you will spend more time watching free online tutorials on public speaking than putting political hangers-on on an over-the-roof retainer.

Having a voter’s card also empowers you to set up your campaign team on your own terms, without the baggage of carrying political deadwood who can only light a fire in their stomachs, and joyriders who have previously only seen Kibra from down their private choppers as they prepare for landing at Wilson Airport.

HAPPINESS

Researchers have proved that a voter’s card is the surest way to protect yourself from your political friends because it already sieved your political enemies.

Perhaps the greatest discovery in this study is the impact of a voter’s card on the holder’s mental well-being.

Having a voter’s card saves you the emotional roller coaster that comes with the legal process of not being a registered voter.

It saves you money you would have paid your tear glands for working overtime; it cuts your handkerchief budget by half, and removes tissue paper manufacturers on your speed dial.

During these difficult economic times when every shilling counts, having a voter’s card is not only healthy on your wallet, but to your tear glands too.

Mariga also discovered that having the card goes a long way in increasing the country's average happiness index.

NO HASSLE

When you have it, you will not only spend less in legal fees, but also save money that would have gone into buying anxiety pills and blood pressure monitors.

With a voter’s card, your heartbeat will be more regular than water in Nairobi taps, and more predictable.

And if you are one of those struggling with sustaining a charming smile in front of intimidating pressmen and women, having a voter’s card will sort you out faster than a lightning rod.

You might have made your name from kicking inflated leather products and inviting viewers into your living room for live betting, but having a voter’s card inflates your political momentum and kicks out those who might have joined your team — one for the money and two for the show.

The good news doesn’t end there. A voter’s card will also save you shuttling between your party headquarters and the Political Parties Disputes Tribunal to hear lawyers argue over a piece of printed paper as your fragile back suffers boardroom chairs long diagnosed with irreversible rickets.

TRAUMA

It has also been demonstrated that having a voter’s card is the first step towards insulating yourself from political scrutiny.

You could get away with pidgin English, sloppy hairstyle and dubious birth records.

Without a voter’s card you will be accused of abandoning your hustler roots and hobnobbing with people of questionable character, further derailing your political take-off.

Lacking a voter’s card has health consequences bordering on chronic trauma, often associated with election ghosts that visit those who abscond their civic duty on Election Day.

To cure this, Mariga's study was able to demonstrate that those who will not vote for themselves, for one reason or another, could laminate their party nomination certificate and IEBC voter registration slip and hang them on their living room wall.

It works the same magic and is more therapeutic than hanging skulls and bones on top of your garden door.

NEXT PHASE

Mariga convincingly demonstrates that having a voter’s card attracts good omen wherever you go.

You will win back lost friends, thus expanding your cheerful political brood.

All of a sudden, the State House comptroller will free the President’s diary for your handshake. Because, with a voter’s card, you will have washed yourself of political immaturity and are ready to dine with kings.

The writer comments on topical issues; [email protected]

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