My life and love lessons about Valentine’s Day

In today’s modern world, Valentine's Day is a day for lovers, a time when romance is openly displayed.

During my youth about half a century ago, it was taboo for members of the opposite sex to demonstrate affection towards each other in public. We could not – as boy and girl - walk together suggestively. You would earn a bad reputation, particularly the girl. If we dared eros love, it was a secret affair.

Today, most men of my generation find it clumsy to hold hands in broad daylight. We don’t believe our eyes when we see young people embracing in the open.

The origin of Valentine’s Day is as mysterious as love is. Legend has it that V-Day has its genesis in a pagan ritual in which single men and women would randomly pair themselves during the Lupercalia festival during which promiscuity or what some today call “free love” was promoted.

Another variation of the legend has it that Emperor Claudius 11 had forbidden Roman soldiers from marrying so as to guarantee their virility in battle. Valentine, a priest who contradicted him by officiating marriages for soldiers was sentenced to death. He had offered sacrificial love so that the soldiers could find love.

The story has a twist that while in prison Valentine himself fell in love with his jailer’s daughter to whom he penned a letter signed “from your Valentine”.

The above renditions of the Valentine story juxtapose the priest’s sublime love for others, and its opposite of indiscriminate physical intimacy disguised as love.

Olivia B. Waxman describes Valentine’s Day as “(A)time to show appreciation for friends, families, significant others and anyone else you may love.”

Currently, however the Valentine’s season has transitioned into big business. Amanda Hawkins and Hannah Jeon have observed: “About 55 per cent of Americans celebrate Valentine’s Day and spend an estimated $19.6 billion a year, including more than $1.8 billion on candy alone.”

I do not have data on how much lovebirds materially invest in Valentine’s Day in Kenya. My interest however is: how much genuine love do we share during Valentine Day? What about the day after? What would it take for all or most of the days of the year to be Valentine's Days?

A pastor friend once told me: love is quality time spent together. Time in which edifying conversation flows. My spouse and I were going through a difficult patch as all couples usually do. The pastor asked me, “During any day, how many times do you two speak? And do you listen to each other?”

He continued to probe about whether I knew the challenges and struggles of my significant other. Did we continue to know each other incrementally as years passed by?

Silently I remember thinking this man of God had turned preachy. But I also knew he spoke bitter truth. He continued to share: “Do you remember those heady early days when you were wooing your better half? Women - and men - love to be wooed forever. Even when you age, you must learn to be close to each other. Learn to hold, even if in private. To be tender. Just to communicate belongingness without words. When your beloved comes home (and do you come home early yourself?) take genuine interest in how her day was, what she did out there.”

From experience, there is no love which does not harbour its share of conflicts. But they shouldn’t be allowed to pile up. Two people must solve them first and foremost. Running to others on every occasion to seek mediation is bad strategy. But avoiding to face conflicts head on can lead to estrangement and even divorce.

My pastor friend continued to tell me: women – and I think men too - love to be often seen in the company of their spouses. It means they are comfortable together. This reflects respect for each other. No one puts the other down.

My friend also reminded me that what is intimately shared between close people should be confidential so that both feel secure. This way they open up to each other. One is not judged. Forgiving becomes a fulcrum of love.

My kind of Valentine is where for any small or big good deed, I get a soft pat on the back. A thank you. Men are usually mean with accolades except during courtship and early marriage. Then a sense of entitlement creeps in. We take the companionship of our spouses for granted.

During my childhood, our two mothers taught us how to take care of other siblings, draw water, fetch firewood and cook. Later, I had a struggle with my spouse about helping her with household chores. This is still an outstanding Valentine responsibility to be embraced.

Initially, my spouse used to earn  more than me. I didn’t feel threatened. I learned with time that love is more of shared affection, caring, mutual respect and companionship than material comfort. I didn’t mind joint ownership of whatever property we had and have. But as my pastor friend keeps on reminding me, love is also sharing the income made by spouses equitably.

Let me boldly state: For me Jesus expresses the ultimate Valentine love of all time as follows: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: “love your neighbour as yourself.” (Mathew 22:37-39). This is indeed a tall order. And yet all faiths and even secular thought systems, proclaim love.

We learn how to love each other deeply by loving God unconditionally. And if one doesn’t love his or her neighbour, they can’t love the closest neighbour who is their spouse or a significant other. And one can’t easily love others, if they don’t know how to love themselves. I am working on loving myself. Happy belated Valentine's Day!

Professor Kibwana is Governor of Makueni County