Your Excellency the President,
Your Excellency the Deputy President,
Honourable Speaker of the National Assembly,
Honourable Speaker of the Senate,
Members of Parliament present,
All protocols observed.
Today marks one week since two boxers masquerading as Kenyan MPs walked into a Catholic church in Murang’a and disrupted the holy mass.
Ordinarily, Kenyans would have excused them for being drunk with altar wine had the bishop not addressed the media promising to fumigate the building against political parasites.
If someone told you – after this incident – that Kenyan bishops can stop reggae, you have all the reasons to believe them.
The ayes have been in favour of political interference in our churches for too long. Now, the nays have it.
To consolidate the gains made from last weekend, Christians from across the ears and toes of this country gathered for a special general meeting to discuss how they can protect churches from microphone-grabbing by private envelopers.
The three-day retreat culminated in a watermark resolution that we hereby request to grate your ears with.
With effect from today, any church intending to host an MP will be expected to forward the request in writing to the Speaker of the National Assembly one year in advance.
The letter should be accompanied by relevant documents, including recommendation from the area chief, cattle dip chairman and market sweeper.
The chief will be required to justify that the presence of the politician in the area will not be a threat to world peace.
Politicians are prone to travelling with private armouries and Christians would rather turn their village fields into crop farming than into a shooting range.
The cattle dip chairman should provide reassurance that the politician’s entourage will not bring human-cattle conflict in the village.
The sweeper will write a recommendation letter promising that the market will not be littered with campaign materials that are not environment-friendly.
In the medium term, Kenyans have acknowledged that MPs sacrifice their quality time searching for Christ every Sunday when they should be at home watching paint dry.
We recognise that our failure to provide you with cooling conditions inside our churches has led to the rise in your body temperatures, and we take the blame for triggering the urge to kick your political opponents when you can avoid it.
We regret that it was an oversight on our part to have provided you with a five-star restaurant, a gym and a library inside Parliament Buildings but forgot your spiritual needs.
We have since gone around the country popularising the Punguza Makofi referendum Bill, and our congregants have given us the go-ahead to relocate Christ from our churches to Parliament Buildings, because you need him the most.
For this reason, a Paybill number will be opened for all Christians to send in their donations for the construction of an ultramodern cathedral inside Parliament Buildings.
From now on, any MP who will be found loitering in other churches will be arrested and charged with walking in a manner likely to cause trouble.
A six-month media gag order shall be the corresponding fine. Either that, or a one-year suspension of your VIP pass at the airport lounge.
If you feel marginalised for losing your right to punch political opponents in church, we have you covered.
When the Departmental Committee on Church Fracas and Harambee Brawls appeared at one of our sittings, they requested the cathedral to be installed with a special pulpit akin to a kickboxing ring.
We care about your violent welfare. In these difficult economic times, we hate to see our political analysts lose their jobs because we failed to provide you with a conducive environment to feed them with political drama.
In the spirit of marketing our talents to the outside world, we shall host global wrestling superstars, complete with live broadcasts.
Our wild animals are tired of posing with tourists, only for our MPs to line their pockets with the proceeds.
They will now take a well-deserved break and let our MPs fight for our economic revival, literally.
We appreciate that being a 21st Century revolutionary requires a flashy wardrobe, a taller selfie-stick and a durable power bank.
There shall be an ultramodern studio furnished with furry sofas and fitted with soundproofing for any MP running away from the law to snore away the night without their cover being blown.
If the cowering entourage has a lawyer who last saw the inside of a courtroom during the Mau Mau uprising and would be interested in representing the fugitive, there shall also be a law library to save them the embarrassment of quoting medieval statutes more obsolete than a circus joke.
We have chosen to put this resolution in writing because we are your servants and service is our business.
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