How to spot a violent spouse and best handle situation

Never leave your children behind with a violent spouse. FILE PHOTO

What you need to know:

  • Never fight back. Attempting to confront a violent person, especially when they are armed, further escalates their spite.
  • The ultimate solution to domestic violence is to seek professional mental health advice from a psychiatrist or a psychologist.

Physical violence does not occur in isolation.

Usually, it’s preceded by emotional, sexual or verbal abuse, consistent but unusual irrational behaviour or fits of anger in a spouse. These are a precursor of assault.

Identify signs of impending physical violence early enough, and once you spot them, take immediate action.

It is also important to confide in people who are close to you such as family members, your pastor or friends your concerns about violence in marriage or a relationship.

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
While it is stress relieving to share such information, it is prudent to ensure the people you confide in are in a position to offer appropriate assistance, either spiritually or socially.

Sharing also keeps people close to you in the loop of what is going on in your life in case things turn tragic. These people may also be able to defend you in the event of full-blown violence.

When faced with the threat of violence from a spouse or family member, establish safety for yourself and your children by locking up yourselves in a room or fleeing to your neighbour. Always raise alarm. If possible, call the police.

Never fight back. Attempting to confront a violent person, especially when they are armed, further escalates their spite, and you may get hurt in the process. Defend yourself, but do so by wisely weighing the situation.

LEAVE
The ultimate solution to domestic violence is to seek professional mental health advice from a psychiatrist or a psychologist.

While you may stick around as you wait for professional help, sometimes the situation may get out of hand.

This may risk your life and that of your children. Know when to leave.

When you flee, ensure that you carry important documents such as your ID or passport or any document to aid your movement.

Remember also to carry your phone and constantly update your close family and friends about your situation.

CHILDREN
Never leave your children behind with a violent spouse, unless you’re facing a situation that puts you in grave danger.

Most violent people are known to hold their spouses at ransom by detaining the couple’s children.

If for whatever reason you are unable to take your children with you, report the matter to the police immediately for instant intervention.

All incidents of physical, sexual or emotional violence must be reported to the police for the arrest and prosecution of the assailant. This helps to deter such acts in the future.

Sometimes, however, it’s not possible to avoid physical harm from a violent family member, especially if the person launches an ambush on you.

COUNSELLING

You may realise when it’s already too late and after sustaining injuries. If that happens, you must seek medical help and documentation of the injuries done by a professional physician for purposes of litigation.

While counselling for the abusers is paramount, victims of spousal assault should also seek similar services from a psychiatrist to eliminate the risk of trauma.

There are hospitals that offer gender-based violence assistance such as the Gender-Based Violence Recover Centre at the Nairobi Women’s Hospital and the Kenya Women and Children’s Wellness Centre. Their contacts are available online.

The list and contact details of psychiatrists who can provide professional assistance to both victims and abusers are also available online.

It’s also important to get in touch with support groups that help victims of gender-based violence.

These include Coalition on Violence against Women, Coexist Initiative Kenya and Wangu Kanja Foundation.

Prof Mary Wangari Kuria is an associate professor of psychiatry at University of Nairobi. She is also a part time consultant psychiatrist.