Is marriage worth the cost for women?

"Weddings oversell marriages," remarked my barber last week while cutting my hair, prompted by a wedding show playing on TV in the background.

"Perhaps marriage should start in the reverse way. People should only hold a wedding after they have lived together for a while and decided if it is worth it," he added, earning the approval of the waiting male customers. His comments led me to reflect on whether the cost of marriage is worth it for women.

As a feminist, I'm both repulsed and intrigued by the idea of marriage. I'm acutely aware of its flaws and the pernicious ways it tramples on women's rights and autonomy, as most marriages are built on the foundation of patriarchal norms. Yet, I'm equally appreciative of and in awe of its beauty, especially when it works. I’ve waxed lyrical about the benefits of marital bliss, which include a long life, on this very page before.

Revenge porn

While I don’t hold any extremist views on marriage, a certain group in South Korea certainly does. 4B (or "Four No's") is a feminist movement that is said to have originated in South Korea in 2019. Its proponents renounce dating men, marriage, sex with men, and having children.

I was quite sceptical when I read about it until I read their reasons. The movement is a form of payback for incidents of brutal violations of women's rights; high-profile murders of women, including an incidence where a man murdered a young woman in a public bathroom, claiming she had ignored him, revenge porn, and spy camera sex crimes, according to media reports. Writing for the Cut, Anna Louie Sussman said this in her story about the same, "The women of South Korea’s 4B movement aren’t fighting the patriarchy — they’re leaving it behind entirely."

I thought to myself that Kenya’s situation is not that much better. The Africa Data Hub has to date compiled more than 500 cases of femicide reported in the media from January 2016 to December 2023.

Optimist

Women pay a high price when men seek to control them physically and emotionally in marriage. Data by the Kenya National Bureau of Statistics shows that 41 per cent of married women in Kenya have experienced violence since they were 15, compared to 20 per cent of women who have never been married.

So, is marriage worth it for women? I don't have a clear answer, but I’m an optimist, and I would rather keep hope burning and pray for a revolution in the institution than join the 4B Movement. A revolution can only happen when patriarchal systems are broken. I don’t know what that will look like yet, but I would like to invite all women to consider the cost of marriage and whether the price is worth it.

Faith Oneya comments on social and gender topics. (@FaithOneya; [email protected])